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Getting help for domestic abuse can be challenging for men

By March 4, 2019 No Comments

Caleb is in the garage, staring at his workbench. He wants to do something, but can’t focus long enough to decide on an activity. He’s been spending a lot of time out here these days. He can hear the TV blaring from other room, where Ben and Jenny are watching a cartoon show.

Caleb slips out to the garage when he feels the anger and frustration welling up inside. He’d never tell anyone, but he’s even cried out here. Sheryl started in on him again, this time demanding he get a new job so he can bring home more money. When he tells her he likes what he’s doing and where he works, she suggests that he lacks the courage to change, and that he’s not man enough to support his family the way he should. Like his brother Jake does, she said. Sheryl tells him she can’t keep up with the bills, but when he suggests they develop a budget or even asks to see what they owe, she brushes him aside or says he wouldn’t understand.

Sure, his buddies gripe a lot about their wives and girlfriends. No marriage is perfect. But this just doesn’t feel the same. He just feels completely helpless. Even afraid. He’s fine at work, but when he comes home, it’s like walking on eggshells. She’s always in one of her moods, and the most innocent remarks just seem to set her off. He’s so confused and isn’t sure what to do.

Caleb doesn’t realize he’s the victim of domestic abuse.

If you told him that, he’d probably disagree. In three years of dating and eight years of marriage, Sheryl has never hit him, slapped him, or kicked him. She’s never threatened him with a weapon or left him with a cut or a bruise. But she’s been abusing him just the same.

It’s not just been words. She’s thrown and broken things that mean a lot to him. Some of his childhood keepsakes have disappeared — yeah, they were goofy, but they reminded him of fun times. They almost never have sex anymore, and when they do, it’s only when she wants to, even if he’s exhausted or has something he needs to do. If he says no, she angrily insists he must be sleeping with someone else and will punish him. Its just easier to stay quiet and go along.

Every time the guys asked him along for a weekend for fishing or to see an out-of-town game, she’s developed some kind of sickness or had a sudden need to visit her sister, forcing him to cancel. The guys haven’t asked him in a while. He can’t blame them, because something always seemed to come up.

Twice lately he’s wondered aloud if they should think about getting a divorce. The first time, she got right in his face and told him he’d never see Jenny or Ben again if he left her. The second time, she said she’d kill herself and the kids if he tried. When he asked about counseling, she laughed in his face and told him he was crazy and any problems they had were his fault.

He’s becoming convinced that he needs to leave, but he doesn’t want to risk losing the kids or having them get hurt. And would anyone understand? If he told the guys what was going on, they’d probably make fun of him. He could ask Dad, but he knows he’d tell him to man up and deal with it. Meanwhile, Caleb stares at the workbench.